Alexis

Part I: The Crows Carry in a Dream
Alexis is standing in a field and she seems almost as transparent as the weeds. Crows fly over her and their shadows crawl across her body outlining dark, violent oceans of space. I want to fall into my dreams, I want to never wake up because she is there... I think it is her and I think she is waiting (for me I hope).

Part II: Form and Chaos
She had a way of breathing that made air seem almost tangible and I've tried to put it into words a thousand, a thousand times and I can't. I miss her and everyday the memories of her seem fainter. They seem to melt like water colors into a noisy and chaotic world. Sounds and lights and smells all working to dissolve the tiny fragments of herself she left behind. I think I'm the only one who is fighting to protect them from fading into something else. I miss her.

Part III: Tiny Transformations
I retrace her steps up and down the stairs and through the hall. I try to remember what she looked like touching the olive paint in the bathroom after we finished painting. She was proud and amused threatening to stay in that room all night just to enjoy the color and the smell. Then we brushed our teeth together making faces in the mirror the whole time forgetting that we looked messy and foolish. Excited for bed we sank into darkness together, ignoring any signs of distance.

Part IV: Entanglement
When you spend a lot of time with someone, you forget that space is different when they're gone. Every object in our apartment had a different meaning with her there. Every object is anchored somewhere between she and I and I don't think I have the energy to untangle them. Our blankets smelled like her for almost six months. In September, I realized her smell had faded, I tried to find it other places- her shirts, her socks, her shampoo, but they smelled different.