Heavy

Cobalt blue curtains
distort the morning light
so I feel like I'm in a fish bowl
caught and swimming around
silently
a sad distance between
me and the world
breathing only in heavy sobs
that send bubbles of air to the surface
submerged feelings
heavy on me, heavy on you

Addiction

For too long
I've come up with
a million rationalizations
to help me ignore
my better judgment

"I want to feel my way to you"
(I'd say)

But that's how addiction sounds
and feels
Like a strong magnetism,
an animal-like pulling,
that throws off your whole
internal compass
until you're completely lost
in the chaos of
your thick, deep, feeling, aching
subconscious.

This is not about love.
This is about open wounds.

The Girl, The Image

Laying beside me
You note my body, my image
Seductive hips and back that call to you
Almost on their own
As if they are detached and speaking
To you in a separate language.

While I am
Trapped in a body, an image
Speaking (according to you)
In dissonance with my form
And you listen to the one that sounds the best.

I say
No, no, no
But you
Selectively hear
yes, yes, yes

Maybe this could be resolved
If I detach myself from my body
And leave you with the parts you want

But that is impossible
(I've tried it)

So you're going to have to listen
To me when I talk
Instead of projecting thoughts on my image
And stop trying to make me
A prisoner in my own body

No Justice

Twenty-eight and I still can’t hold down a stable relationship
Because every time he touches me I feel that anger swell
and think to myself “get your fucking hands off me”
So uncomfortable in my own skin
I want to crawl out

And he,
the culprit, my step-father
is living in a mess
Two-story old apartment
Dilapidated building
Destroyed marriage
The only person in our family that talks to him
is my younger sister

She, at 11, had to hear all the gory details
and listen to him come apart
He pleaded to her like she was the
Judge and the jury
And she felt like she couldn’t
Possibly decide between us,
Couldn’t possibly take sides

And my mother thinks
I put her on trial
Drummed up a witch hunt
Sentenced her to a lifetime of guilt
She reminds me often
That she was trapped,
That he beat her into submission

She doesn’t realize that
I don’t want the power to sentence
I don’t want to deal with dolling out blame
I wanted
I needed help and validation and a voice
But it’s too late now

Everywhere I turn
There is no justice,
No justice,
No justice.

The Edge

I've come to the edge
of this sad precipice
looked out over the ocean of emotion
again and again
Inhaled the thick air of solitude
Allowed the fog to dull
all my violent impulses
at peace with being alone,
confronting the lie of a tireless,
limitless love
No, no,
He wouldn't follow me to the end of the earth.

Simulacrum

Another night of hot, twisted, uncomfortable sheets
coiled like the muscles in my stomach
a red, pulsing, angry wound
that only I can feel

There was a love lost a thousand years ago
that soft aching that
swells inside me
throbs beneath the surface
sometimes bubbles over
when an imposter steps in

He's got the same hands,
the same gestures as you
the way his eyes fall on me
is familiar
the longing seems
believable
almost

But the closer I look
the more he becomes a stranger
cruel in the performance,
heartless in his distractions
a sad shadow of
a broken promise,
a love unfulfilled

Rebirth

Under a leaky sink I daydreamed
of finding love sitting quietly on a bench
waiting for me to show up

I woke to find a distorted
picture of love
painted in blacks and reds
across the parking lot
spelling out cynicism
in vomit and tears on the pavement
scantly clad women dancing
for pennies
Desire, fantasy, romance on display
like a spectacle, like a masquerade
like a ghost to haunt the present.

When I was sufficiently overwhelmed
with love's apparition
you cradled my head on your lap
slept next to love's wearied body
breathed life back into its lungs.

There may be an end to a b'ak'tun cycle approaching
or maybe it's the coming together of three stones again
to reveal the sun.
A new beginning approaching
And a dawn that whispers
I found you
I found you.